THE HIGH TABLE

A CHOREGRAPHY OF PAIN - EPILOGUE

AYINDEI

The lights went out in the ring. This evening, as my manager told me, was a fiasco. He was screaming as soon as Lloyd left the cage telling me I was fired and refusing to pay my fee. The organizers arranged for me not to see Lloyd again immediately after the fight. Orderly service brought him in. All the media and social networks are talking about the scandal of the century. I open Instagram and head for my dressing room. Everyone's laughing at me. When I get to my dressing room door, I see that it's locked and that all my stuff has been thrown out. I'm not going to shower tonight. I'm an outcast. For the second time, I'm at the door of a place I love. For the second time, it's because of our love. I don't care if I've lost everything because I know I've found you again. But now I'm alone, sweating, my limbs hurt by your blows, my neck twisted. I'm alone and I've lost you. I collapse against the partition wall and put my head in my hands. I hear the security guys laughing at me and insulting me. I'm not strong enough. I'm a piece of shit... These are the words coming out of their mouths. But I don't care. The only thing I care about is finding you... knowing where you are...

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I expected the organizers not to be happy with us choosing not to finish the fight, but I didn't expect they'd get petty about it. Instead of letting us walk away together, they corral me into the changing room, where the manager growls at me that he never wants to see me again. Which is fine by me as I wasn't intending on coming back here anyway. I am also not allowed to shower, so I just slip my clothes on over my sweaty battered body and grab my gym bag. The most important thing now is to find you again. Imagine going through all of this and then losing him again because of a technicality?! I rush through the corridors, exerting self-restraint not to push people out of the way. Finally, I see you. Crouching with your back leaned against the wall and your head in your hands. Doubts start swirling in my mind. Is he... regretting what happened? He forfeited the belt and jeopardized his career... for me. I realize that I don't really know what your feelings for this life have been. The thrill of the fight, fucking a new guy every time, money... now, all of this is gone. I guess it was selfish of me to put you in this situation, I think, a wave of guilt flooding over me. But that's what love is. Especially the kind of love that we have. The passionate, desperate, primal love. It's selfish. I slow down my steps and come to you, crouching down next to you, as you still keep your head in your hands. "Ayindei... let's go home."

AYINDEI

My hands hide the neon light from me. My hands allow me to think better. But everything is confusing.... Everything is spinning in my head, the dean, the ballet, the cage, the manager, and you. You've been my only reference point for some time now. The more I cling to you, the more hectic my life becomes. I was a university professor, and I gave it all up for you. I was an MMA world champion, and I lost everything for you. Did I do the right thing? I know I did, and I know that even if I risk losing it all again, you're the one I want to spend my life with. I feel a presence beside me. I have no doubt... it's you. It's not just your smell, it's your agility, the grace with which you move. I open my eyes and see you. It's your voice. It's always so soft, so tender. You invite me to come home. Home... That means you have a home to share with me. It means you've agreed to let me be part of your future. I smile; I smile at you... I get up and pick up my things from the floor. I'm so happy that I don't realize I'm still in my compression shorts and shirtless. The cold and damp are biting my skin. The rain awakens the aches and wounds.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You're silent as you stand up and start walking and I smile, deciding to stay silent for now as well. But when it becomes apparent that you're about to exit the building in your fighting gear, I can't help but chuckle. "Don't you want to get dressed first?"

AYINDEI

When the cold gets to me, while you're giggling, I realize you've just helped me. Everything inside me lights up. Everything becomes clear... You're not my savior, but I think your meeting was necessary. You've given my life a new meaning. When I got kicked out of college, it wasn't my job I regretted, it was you. When I made the choice to pursue a career in MMA, it wasn't for the glory or the money, but because it meant I could stay close to you. When I gave up my championship belt, it was because it was the only way to find you. You're an obvious part of my life.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You pause, but don't really respond, lost in thought. I take your stuff from you and hold out your shirt. "Come on, you'll catch a cold otherwise."

AYINDEI

I smile and I know that once again you are helping me. I feel like the essence of our meeting has allowed me to get better. I smile at you and put on my shirt. "Where are we going, Lloyd?"

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I pause at this question. I've been acting on instinct so far and haven't really thought that you might have a different place to stay. "I was thinking of going to my place. We should talk... Or maybe sleep first and talk in the morning. Or... do you prefer going to yours? Where do you live now?" I realize that I know nothing about your current situation.

AYINDEI

You stop and I see a kind of embarrassment in your eyes. I realize that I don’t know what you are becoming. I don’t know if you’re still working in college if you’re still giving dance classes or if like me you’ve changed your life. I would really like to suggest you come over. But my apartment is so small, so needy. And at the same time, can I let you escape again. Can I allow myself not to take advantage of you while you are there with me. “Come to my place, Llyod!” I said in a sigh.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I smile. "Sure. Lead the way." I take this chance to slide my hand around your forearm before letting it move down to your hand, interlacing our fingers. We've never walked hand in hand in public before, and I'm not sure you're comfortable with it. My grip is loose, so you can remove your hand if you want.

AYINDEI

You take my hand, and we walk in the aisles of the warehouse without paying attention to what the maintenance and service guys can say. I lost my title and my reputation. But I found my love again and I hold your hand tightly as if I needed you to stand up.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

We walk for a while now, and I find myself at a loss for words. This is the moment that I've been waiting for all this time. But now that it's here, I'm not sure what to say. Should I dive right into the questions that have been plaguing me for months? Or should I gradually work my way there? After mulling over that for a while, I finally ask: "So... where do you live now?"

AYINDEI

We move forward together, and everything is both so normal and so unusual. Holding each other, feeling the softness of your skin, feeling good with you ... All this seems so normal to me.... And at the same time, this silence between us... this embarrassment... as if none of us could say what he feels... You ask me if I still live far away. If you knew how ashamed I am to show you this infamous place where I live. My only salary now comes from my fights. I refused many other contracts because they kept me away from you. I just lost with you my last chance of financial survival. We arrive at the seedy front door of my building. I take you up the stairs filled with moisture where the paint is peeling. I take you through the door of my apartment. This term is very poorly chosen for the simple room in a brothel with a mattress on the ground. The sanitary facilities are on the landing.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

My eyes widen in surprise as you show me the place you're staying at. Downstairs seems to be a brothel or something similar. He preferred coming here to going to my place? This seems crazy to me, but I know there must be a reason. Not sure where to sit, I lean back against a wall and face you. "Alright... let's talk... What... what happened? Why did you just... disappear one day?"

AYINDEI

Here is the fateful question. Here is the moment I was dreading so much. You ask me why I disappeared, standing against the wall. I sit on the bed, and I signal you to come join me. When you are next to me, I place my hand on your head and lead you towards my chest. I stroke your hair. I cannot answer this question. I don’t want you to lose your position... The dean forbade me to see you again... and you are there against me. I smile knowing that we are together and yet my eyes are filled with tears because I have no right to tell you the truth.... The consequences for you could be too dramatic. "Lloyd... I can’t tell you... But you saw... I stayed in the city... I have lost everything by losing you... but I stayed... I cannot live without you."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You motion for me to sit next to you, and I do, but then the next words that come out of your mouth ignite another spark of rage within me. What the fuck? What is going here? I take a deep breath and force myself to remain calm. My head is on your chest and you're stroking my hair, telling me that you want to be close to me but don't want us to be face-to-face right now. You're avoiding the answer. I gently take your hand off my head and straighten up, shifting my position so as to face you as we sit on the mattress. I take your hands in mine. "Ayindei... please.... don't you.... trust me? I need to know.... This has literally been eating me from inside out. I need to understand.... Whatever it is.... I promise.... we will figure it out together."

AYINDEI

You move away from me and look at me in the face. Not having you near me anymore fills me with intense sadness and I feel the stream of tears filling my eyes. But I hold back. I don’t want to show you my weakness. You’re starting to ask me to tell you the truth. I won’t manage to contain everything I feel. I open my mouth but it’s too hard. A stream of tears comes out of my eyes. I can’t hold back. I sound like a kid crying.... I am just pathetic but there’s nothing I can do about it.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

Seeing you burst into tears feels as if someone reached into my gut and started crushing it. I realize in how much pain you've been all along, and all my anger disappears instantly. I reach out and hug you tightly, feeling your chest against mine as you cry. Whatever happened, it has hurt you at least as much, or likely more than it hurt me. I need to know... but I can't pressure you... I need to give you time. We stay like that for a while, as I hold you. "I'm here....", I whisper in your ear.

AYINDEI

You take me in your arms, and your presence reassures me. I hold your shoulders tightly hoping just not to hurt you. If you could imagine what it cost me to leave you. If you could know how I cried, alone in this room. If you knew that signing me up for these shitty fights were the only way to stay here, to try to earn some money and to be able to offer you something other than a miserable life. I am no longer a university professor; I am no longer a world champion of MMA. I am nothing and am defenseless in front of you. When I resumed my breathing, I shift off of you and look at you, soothed. "I will tell you the truth, Lloyd, the whole truth."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You slowly calm down, and just like in our post-orgasm moments, I feel our breathing sync up. You pull back and reestablish eye contact. "I'm listening", I say, biting my lip nervously, silently dreading what might come.

AYINDEI

My head is now opposite yours. I take a last breath as if I needed air to tell you. And I start talking, fast, as if the release of speech were therapy for me. I tell you everything: the love I have for you, the blackmail, the meeting with the dean. Then my descent into hell, the horrible state I found myself in without you. Everything that went through my mind... even the worst of acts... My encounter with MMA and the way it kept me going even though your absence continued to weigh on me. My flow is jerky, fast, intense. I tell you everything without stopping, as if I wanted to say it all at once. When I'm done, I look at you. The silence seems unbearable and I'm not sure how you'll react. I close my eyes as if this will allow me to escape the cataclysm I foresee.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I listen with rapt attention as you speak, my expression shifting between shock, anger, sadness, and confusion, as you move between different parts of the story. Once you're done, I reach out and give you another tight hug. "Oh my god.... I had no idea...I asked the administration, they couldn't... or wouldn't tell me anything. I can't believe what an asshole that dean is... But... you blocked my number? At least I think you did... All of my messages sat undelivered.... Why?"

AYINDEI

I look at you, almost panting, as if I'd been forced to run a race at very high speed. You look shocked and saddened. When I hear your question, I stand up for a moment and reach into my trouser pocket for my cell phone. I scroll it before your eyes to show you the e-mail from the dean forbidding me to contact you on pain of having to refund my entire stay.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I frown reading this. "What the... What a psychopath..." I sit with this a few moments, my head buzzing. "But... if you just responded to my messages.... How would he know? It's not like I'd go and tell him."

AYINDEI

You wonder about this painful episode of my life. For a moment, I look at you with circumspection. Do you doubt me? Do you think I voluntarily left this position and the love you were bringing me? I quickly understand how much I hurt you. I look at you and I smile while saying to you. “Once, I went to the university parking lot to see you at the end of classes... I had slipped between two cars, but the security guard arrived quite quickly. He asked me to go out but on top of that, he called the city police station. Two days later I had a notification prohibiting me from contacting any member of the university through physical, telephone or virtual contact. That’s why I didn’t contact you, Lloyd!”

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I take a deep breath. I'm not quite satisfied with this explanation, because how would anyone know that we exchanged messages? And if no one knows, no one can punish you. But I decide not to push this point further. There is something much more important. "OK, there is absolutely no way that such a prohibition can be legal. This is a violation of your rights, they were treating you like a criminal for no reason at all. We need to get you a lawyer and sue the dean, maybe even the whole university. Maybe even go to the newspaper with it. They will have to rehire you or pay you a huge compensation. This can not just go unpunished."

AYINDEI

When I hear your determination, I understand a fact that I was already almost sure of. It’s that this story has affected you as much as it has affected me, almost more. Your reaction is squeezing my heart. And at the same time, I feel relieved. I was finally able to tell you what drove me to cut ties with you. I was finally able to unveil the truth to you. I tried to protect you as best I could, awkwardly, I know. But I only managed to hurt you, to hurt you more. You suggest that I file a complaint, to warn the press about what you consider to be a scandal. I look at you smiling and I think I just want to kiss you. I put my arms around you and say "Lloyd, my love, let’s forget the past! Let’s try to live the future together. I know that with you, I am strong enough to rebuild a new world."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You wrap your arms around me and pull me in a soothing hug. I consider your words for a while. Yes, this would maybe be the path of lesser resistance. Not making waves. Not looking for trouble. But it is not fair or just. Not to you. I pull back a little, so our eyes meet again. "Ayindei, would you really be fine with letting this injustice go unpunished? You are a fighter... I know this because I have seen and experienced it first-hand. Do you really not want to fight for what rightfully belongs to you? I can understand that you're tired... and disgusted... and that you'd maybe just rather walk away and not have anything else to do with that asshole... But consider this... if you let him get away with this... he might do it again... to someone else. Someone who is not as strong as you and who might give in to the temptation to do the things that you had thought of doing... but eventually didn't. Let's not let him ruin someone else's life too. And yes, we could build everything again from the ground up.... But we could also just get what's rightfully yours in a few months. You could have your life back on track. Don't you want this?"

AYINDEI

I hear what you're saying, and I understand exactly what you mean. I'd like you to understand that I'm not looking for all that anymore. The glory of being a university professor, the fame of being world champion even in a little-known league, all that is, for me, in the past. For so long, I wanted to be the first. For so long, I've believed that I'd love myself if I succeeded in life, if I was intellectually brilliant, physically beautiful, strong in battle. But now I want to drop the armor, to show my weaknesses, my doubts. What I'm looking for is inner peace, and I believe that sharing these moments with you will enable me to gradually acquire it. I look at you, thinking about all this, and I say, "The only reason I'd ask, Lloyd, is you. For me, I don't want any more of this false glory. I just want to live here quietly. I'd find another job even if it didn't pay very well. But I don't want any more glory of any kind."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I pause for a while, letting what you said sink in. "Alright, you don't want glory or publicity... but... don't you enjoy teaching? Don't you love history? I remember your eyes lighting up when you'd tell me about your thesis and the areas of history that you were passionate about. Is all that.... gone?"

AYINDEI

I sense a kind of concern in your words and in the way you speak. "No, Lloyd! None of the elements that fascinate me: pre-Columbian Caribbean history, my taste for combat have disappeared. But they have changed. My love for you allows me to express them differently and without necessarily seeking glory."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I nod and let my gaze wander around the room. "But... you currently live in a room... without bed... upstairs from a brothel... This place is not safe, sanitary, not to even mention comfortable... You don't deserve to put up with this until you're able to afford something more... You deserve a dignified life. Don't confuse glory and fame with basic dignity. You have suffered an injustice. But you don't have to keep punishing yourself. You can take the money from the lawsuit and use it to start something new. Something better aligned with your current goals and desires."

AYINDEI

I listen to you talk and I understand what you want. You're right, I need to get my dignity back, I need to get a job. I have to rebuild myself. But would I have the strength to do it alone? These last few months have made me weak. I feel so tired from all the ordeals I've been through. I'm not sure I can overcome this terrible loss of self-confidence. I look at you and put my hand on your knee. Your touch soothes me. Your touch is magic. Your touch makes me feel good. It's all so obvious to me now. I ask you as if I'd always wanted to ask you, “Lloyd, are you willing to accompany me through this ordeal?” and then I stop, before repeating with a sigh, “...and even beyond?”

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I start to respond before you even finish, wanting to assure you with a quick "of course", but then blush when you add the "beyond" part. A familiar wave of warmth spreads through my chest and stomach, reminding me of our first kiss and that first talk in your office. I take a moment, then look you in the eyes, lifting one hand to cup your cheek. "Ayindei... of course. You can always count on me. As a lover, as a friend, and as an ally. Let's win this fight together!"

AYINDEI

When I hear the tone you take, when I see the emotion in your eyes, when your hand touches my cheek, I know that I made the right choice. I understand that you will be there for me regardless of the choice I make. Isn’t it what I’ve been looking for so long... a being able to understand me without judging me, a man capable of accompanying me in all my decisions, not waiting for me to be the best or the strongest. I close my eyes to hide my emotion. When I open them, I feel like they are filled with tears. "Tomorrow, I call my lawyer, Lloyd... but tonight, let’s celebrate our reunion with dignity."

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

When I see the tears in your eyes, I pull you in for another tight hug. "You have a lawyer already? Good. I was going to suggest finding one first. But this makes it easier. And as for celebration... anything specific you had in mind?", I smile.

AYINDEI

I hadn’t thought about the fact that I didn’t have a lawyer. "Is it so important, Lloyd? I will have time to look for one tomorrow! For the celebration of our reunion, I think you perfectly know what would make me want and would make us happy.” Shifting from emotion to a very different feeling, I place my hand on your shoulder and bring my lips closer to yours.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

I resist the temptation to answer the first question and instead let your lips meet mine. In an instant, it's like my whole-body lights on fire. Fuckkkk...... Your touch... the texture of your lips.... It hits me like a drug, and I am instantly rock hard. With both hands on your cheeks now, I deepen the kiss, and probe your mouth, looking for your tongue.

AYINDEI

My tongue searches for mine. It's like I'm craving your kisses. The way my tongue twists against yours, the way our tongues stick together, my hands caressing your back, your shoulders and then your hips... It's all a clear sign that I'm craving you. I'm addicted to you, Lloyd. I thought I could wean myself off and for a while I was clean. But like any addict who falls back into his ways, I'm going back with pleasure and passion.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You return my kisses with equal intensity, and we almost devour each other. "Mmmmhhhh.... fuck, I've missed you so much....", I mutter in between kisses, as my lips and tongue greedily keep asking for more... and more. My hands roam all over your body, exploring that familiar landscape.

AYINDEI

Each of your caresses fills me with emotion. Of course, there's the purely sexual effect you give me. You're beautiful, you're splendid, and have been ever since that ballet when I first saw you. But there's more to it than that. A whole ancient world, a lost world, opens up to me when you begin to touch my body. Those in my office, we're in my college apartment, we're like we used to be... those few magical months when we were a couple out Lloyd and Ayindei were one.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

My hands and lips move on their own, I am not really controlling them at this point. My kisses move on from your lips and travel down to your neck, kissing and hopefully soothing the place where I was choking you an hour or so ago. I shift on your mattress and move onto your lap, sliding my legs around your waist once again, my torso clinging to yours, but this time without any squeezing or aggression.

AYINDEI

Our two bodies intertwine, but it's no longer a fight. We hold each other, but there's no aggression. We are two beings fighting, but fighting to be happy, no longer to be the best. You've helped me fight my fears, my anxieties. You've helped me fight my reluctance to love. I shiver when I feel your skin against mine. My heart beats fast... I'd give anything for this time to never end.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

You respond to my kisses and touch, but don't move further, unlike what I'm used to from you. I realize that you want to savor this moment. Smiling, I break the kiss and lean back, looking into your eyes. With the tip of my thumb, I trace the line of your jaw, admiring your handsome features, before leaning back in for another kiss.

AYINDEI

Night fell long ago. It's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day. But now we're together and enjoying this moment as never before. When your hand touches my jaw, I shiver and stretch out my lips to invite you to kiss me. Tonight, I don't want to be wild... not now anyway. I just want to find the man I've missed so much.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

Settling onto your lap, we continue to kiss, my hands moving in and out of your hair and across your back. My fire calming down to a low steady flame instead of an explosive burst, I sprinkle in an occasional nibble and a tug on your bottom lip.

AYINDEI

Your caresses are getting softer and softer and even though we're still very cuddly. But your mouth approaches my lower lip and starts to nibble it. It's too much to keep me quiet and the kiss I exchange with you is now much more intense. My hand goes under your shirt and begins to discover every muscle in your perfect body. As my hands begin to reach your breasts, I know deep down that this is going to be an intense night.

LLOYD MORGAN-WHITMAN

We make love that night for the first time in what feels like an eternity. On the worn mattress of your squalid room, hearing noises of drunken people beyond the thin walls. It's different this time. Less explosive and more sensual... reassuring. A declaration that we'll be there for each other for better or for worse. The day after, I take a quick trip to my apartment for a change of clothes, before reconvening with you and taking you to a lawyer specializing in corporate and labor law. His eyes sparkle as he listens to the story, sensing that this could be a huge case. He reassures us that he'll take care of everything. In two weeks' time, you get an official letter from the dean, offering you your job back, along with the salary for the time that you were forced to miss work. The only condition is that you don't go to the media with this story.

AYINDEI

I read the letter in silence, my hands trembling, not from fear or doubt anymore, but from the overwhelming weight of what we've been through — and the quiet, almost terrifying relief that it might finally be behind us. You watch me from the couch, your eyes soft, waiting for a sign. And I look up at you and smile — not the brave, forced kind I wore like armor all those months, but something real, something deep. You cross the room in two strides and wrap your arms around me, and I let go — of the anger, the injustice, the ache. I let it all melt into you. Later that night, we lie side by side, facing each other in the half-light of a better room, a better place, one we've claimed together. My fingers trace the lines of your face, memorizing the map of where we've been — all the hurt, all the healing. "It's over," I whisper. "No," you say softly. "It's just beginning." And I believe you. Because what's ahead isn't just about rebuilding — it's about reimagining. It's long breakfasts and quiet evenings, spontaneous laughter, and gentle hands. It's not a fairy tale, but something fiercer, more grounded — a life we will build with stubborn hope and quiet grace. We won't need to tell the world what happened. We’ll show them — through how we live, how we love, how we stay. This is our new story. And it begins with you, and me, and the fierce, simple truth that we are better — not in spite of the brokenness, but because of it. Let the world keep its noise. We’ve found our peace.

THE END

Published: 2025-07-26, viewed 125 times.